Milk Thieves, Meddling Mothers, and Winning My Favor – Ask Bridget O’Shea
Ask Bridget O’Shea – Cowesport’s Most Opinionated Advice Column
By Bridget O’Shea (As dictated to Cordelia, because I have better things to do than type.)
Well now, I suppose you lot finally decided you could use a bit of proper advice. Good on you. Though, if I’m being honest (which I always am), half of Cowesport already comes to me for answers over a pint at The Hare & Hound, so I don’t know why we’re bothering with a column. But Cordelia insists that some people might be too shy to ask in person. (Imagine that—shy people in Cowesport! Never heard of such a thing.)
So, here’s how this works: you send in your questions—life problems, love troubles, family squabbles, or if you simply need to know how to get a proper head on your pint—and I, Bridget O’Shea, will set you straight. No nonsense. No sugarcoating. And if you don’t like my answer, well… maybe you should’ve made better life choices to begin with.
Right then, let’s get on with it. We’ve already got our first batch of questions.
Dear Bridget,
I think my neighbor is stealing my milk delivery. Every morning, I set out my empty bottles, and by the time I go to collect the fresh ones, they’re already gone. I don’t want to accuse anyone outright, but I’m running out of milk and patience. What should I do?
— Parched for Justice
Bridget’s Reply:
Ah, the classic Milk Bandit dilemma. I’d wager there’s a nosy cat or a nosier neighbor involved, and either way, it’s unacceptable. Here’s what you do: leave a decoy bottle filled with something unpleasant—say, buttermilk or watered-down vinegar. When the culprit takes a swig, they’ll think twice before swiping again.
Alternatively, start picking up your milk earlier in the morning, or—better yet—stand guard with a cup of tea and a good glare. People in this town fear a well-aimed glare more than they fear the law, I promise you.
Dear Bridget,
My mother keeps trying to set me up with her friend’s son, despite me telling her I’m not interested. How do I get her to stop meddling?
— Unwillingly Courted
Bridget’s Reply:
Oh, sweetheart. Mothers live to meddle. It’s in our nature, like breathing or knowing when a storm’s coming. If your mam has decided you’d make a fine match for this lad, you could move to the far end of Ireland, and she’d still be sending you baked goods with love notes hidden inside.
You’ve got two choices here:
- Feign interest—go on one (disastrous) date, report back that he talks exclusively about his stamp collection, and watch her enthusiasm fizzle out.
- Find yourself a “fake” sweetheart—a willing friend who’ll pose as your significant other just long enough for your mother to set her sights on someone else’s love life instead.
If neither of those work, send her my way. I’ll have a word.
Dear Bridget,
What’s the best way to get on your good side? Asking for a friend.
— Cowesport Local
Bridget’s Reply:
A friend, eh? Sure. Well, if your “friend” wants to stay in my good graces, here’s the secret:
✔ Mind your manners. No nonsense, no whining, and absolutely no snapping fingers to get my attention.
✔ Know how to order a proper pint. If you ask for “just a splash” of stout, we’re done here.
✔ Bring biscuits. I’m not saying I can be bribed… but I’m also not not saying it.
And if your “friend” happens to be Detective Brody Kelly—he owes me a round for that nonsense last month with the missing pub stool.
Right, that’s enough wisdom for today. Send in your questions, and I’ll do my best to sort you out—whether you like my answers or not.
Cheers,
Bridget O’Shea